Faces of sport: Baseketball edition
A continuing series
JOE MAZZULLA — Boston Celtics
Can’t believe his boss asked him to do something.
JACQUE VAUGHN — Brooklyn Nets
Your wife’s secret hall pass.
Tom Thibodeau — New York Knicks
Auto mechanic, the bad kind. Hates you, hates cars, loves crawfish.
NICK NURSE — Philadelphia 76ers
The rough draft of Bill Cowher. (Nick Nurse is an insane name for a person.)
DARKO RAJAKOVIC — Toronto Raptors
Agent told him this was a Marvel audition. Making the best of it.
BILLY DONOVAN — Chicago Bulls
WWII-era drill sergeant. Trying to be mean, he says your mother sometimes gets tired of making dinner but she’s doing her best, we all are, we’re going to get through this, together.
J.B. BICKERSTAFF — Cleveland Cavaliers
Hard to talk about his face when his name is so mismatched. J.B. is so folksy and Bickerstaff is so Hogwarts! Might as well call him Joey Crackleflame. Ricky Dragonmail. Ol Bobby Castlecliff. Big Tony “T” Mythrilhearth.
MONTY WILLIAMS — Detroit Pistons
Math professor; never wanted to be anything else. Funnier than he thinks he is.
RICK CARLISLE — Indiana Pacers
You cheated on every quiz when he taught precalc. Got away with it at the time, but your DUI case is going to trial and he’s the jury foreman.
ADRIAN GRIFFIN — Milwaukee Bucks
Saw the face of God and God was fugly.
QUIN SNYDER — Atlanta Hawks
The AI-generated composite of every guitarist who appeared on VH1.
STEVE CLIFFORD — Charlotte Hornets
Is it racist to say he looks racist? Invented fishing.
ERIK SPOELSTRA — Miami Heat
Tinder bio: “Hurt me.”
JAMAHL MOSLEY — Orlando Magic
A Sim (from the Sims).
WES UNSELD JR. — Washington Wizards
Tired of wizard jokes and hats that don’t fit.
MICHAEL MALONE — Denver Nuggets
One of Jack Nicholson’s hitmen in The Departed. A reminder that the lyrically romantic tragedy of Irishness isn’t always lyrical or romantic.
CHRIS FINCH — Minnesota Timberwolves
Your boss’s boss’s boss. You only met him once and he was extremely nice, which is unnerving because every story about him is one of Lovecraftian horror.
MARK DAIGNEAULT — Oklahoma City Thunder
Not all white people look the same. That said, this guy, Will Hardy, Frank Vogel.
CHAUNCEY BILLUPS — Portland Trail Blazers
Taught Lil Nas X to ride a horse.
WILL HARDY — Utah Jazz
Still an Account Manager, which means it’s weird that his LinkedIn says Senior Account Manager, right?
Right?
Guys—
STEVE KERR — Golden State Warriors
Just realized he could buy you and doesn’t need to haggle over price. Will haggle like his life depends on it; amusingly, it’s your life that does.
TYRONN LUE — Los Angeles Clippers
Hopes you’re kidding.
DARVIN HAM — Los Angeles Lakers
Currently behind you.
FRANK VOGEL — Phoenix Suns
Found out yesterday his dad wasn’t actually Special Forces or in the military.
MIKE BROWN — Sacramento Kings
In every other part of the multiverse he is a high school principal. Still feels like a glitch that he isn’t a principal in this one.
JASON KIDD — Dallas Mavericks
Head looks like a basketball, which is a little much.
IME UDOKA — Houston Rockets
Transferred to your school halfway through sophomore year; somehow already friends with everyone by March. God’s own best left striker; still not good enough to get your team above .500.
TAYLOR JENKINS — Memphis Grizzlies
Really good at asking how you’re doing, really good at remembering details from your life. You avoid him like your life depends on it.
WILLIE GREEN — New Orleans Pelicans
Just found out she said no re: prom. She wasn’t the one for you anyway, Willie!
GREGG POPOVICH — San Antonio Spurs
Kendall Roy’s uncle and my conscience.
(See also: NFL edition.)
SEE YOU NEXT FRIDAY, DEAR FRIENDS.