Water sucks. Gatorade is better

I forbid you to talk to that enchantress

The divisional round of the NFL playoffs begins tomorrow. Quarterfinals? I’d prefer to call it the quarterfinals.

Here’s what the playoff coaches look like.

Participation trophies (eliminated in first round)

• Brandon Staley, Los Angeles Chargers

It’s all fun and games until Pinocchio turns 30.

There is something unsavory about the shape of his head.

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• Pete Carroll, Seattle Seahawks

The only man ever re-elected PTA President.

Almost suspiciously likeable-seeming!! Infectious smile!! Love you Pete, from, Alex

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• John Harbaugh, Baltimore Ravens

Noble and forlorn, like a farmer whose way of life is disappearing.

Harbaugh’s brother, also a football coach, discourages his players from eating chicken because it’s “a nervous bird,” which is arguably the funniest thing in history.

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• Mike McDaniel, Miami Dolphins

Scarface, the Disney Channel reboot

A Yale graduate!

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• Todd Bowles, Tampa Bay Buccaneers

The only team fully committed to their mascot.

You can’t tell me this man’s not a pirate.

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In contention (still alive!)

• Brian Daboll, New York Giants

If you know, you know

Slime Volleyball

Same goes for the Cowboys coach.

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• Sean McDermott, Buffalo Bills

Leader of a doomed team of Navy SEALS in the forthcoming fourth season of Jack Ryan, exclusively on Amazon Prime™

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• Doug Pederson, Jacksonville Jaguars

World’s most-fun uncle

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• Nick Sirianni, Philadelphia Eagles

If the Dolphins coach hadn’t gone the football route, he’d be working for Tesla.

If the Eagles coach hadn’t gone the football route, he’d be on Facebook Marketplace hustling those lights that make the bottom of bad cars glow.

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• Andy Reid, Kansas City Chiefs

  

Soviet Santa

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• Kyle Shanahan, San Francisco 49ers

Sure, Jeremy Strong is infamously Method, but this is bananas

Kendall Roy found something he’s good at! It’s coaching the 49ers.

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• Zac Taylor, Cincinnati Bengals

The man without qualities

Zac Taylor looks like an NPC. Like if a child were drawing a person and the doodle came to life before it was finished.

In the early days of CGI, the edges of objects were particularly difficult to render realistically; Taylor will be the last coach successfully depicted in Madden—even in real life, he blends unnaturally into his environment. On the plus side, he would be easy to depict as a Lego.¹

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Go Bengies

Catch me rewatching last weekend’s clip of Sam Hubbard returning a fumble 98 yards for the go-ahead touchdown like Bobby fucking Bouchet. Shoutout to Mike Tirico’s spectacular live call. “—The Cincinnati Kid!—” I’m not crying, you’re crying. (I’m crying.)

After the play, Hubbard kept telling his buddies, adorably, how scared he’d been of getting caught. Interestingly enough, I’m now dating Sam Hubbard. (More like Sam Husband. More like—)

Who dey.

SEE YOU NEXT FRIDAY, DEAR FRIENDS.

(Want more Available for Parties NFL coverage? Lol? Last year I wrote about the pathos of Budweiser commercials and denounced Philip Rivers’ face.)

1. He is also a personal hero of mine and the winningest playoff coach in Bengals history.